Diatribes by Joah

Why I'm no good at love

So last week's diatribe (if that's what you're willing to let me call it) inspired a lot of interesting and heartfelt responses and comments from many of you. Thank you for each and every one of them.

This week, I'm going to elaborate a bit further on what I was hinting at.
Like relationships that don't last (marriage included), in this life, I think we come to live and deal with certain "necessary evils".

Faulty assumptions, friends that fade away, parents that don't understand, underpaying jobs, pop stars that fall from grace, Cubs teams that don't win the World Series, steroids in sports, prejudice, ignorance, bad parents in the grocery store, bad kids that run all over their bad parents, politicians that never learn, middle school, insecure bosses, condoms, diarrhea.

I'd like to add an important item to that list: being single.

To tell you the truth, last week got me thinking about the fact that I have historically disliked (i.e. avoided) being single. I've had five "serious" girlfriends in six years. I've began "seriously dating" someone within a month or two of all but one of those breakups. And my best friend Stephanie would confirm that the one full year I lived as a single guy - sophomore year of college - I despised every minute of it.

I'll sum up my viewpoint about being single with a line from last week's installment, "Being single is a selfish way to be selfish if you really think about it."

Look, I know some of you LOVE being single. Some of you can't possibly fathom why I would possibly hate being single at just 23 years of age in one of the best cities in America to be a single 20-something with a decent-paying job in a pretty badass apartment etc. etc. I hear all of you loud and clear.

Still, some of you are in full agreement with me about disliking singleness and are probably in relationships, some of which may lead to marriage. Good for you.

But I'm not simply saying "being single sucks" or "being in a relationship rules"...I'm simply saying that I don't like being single for a specific reason. And it has nothing to do with getting laid consistently or having someone to go to concerts with.

In short, I hate being single because I'm an early adopter.

I like Mac computers. I even had the Generation One iPod. I buy magazines and books before they get on everyone's "must read" lists. I find out about movies long before Ebert & Roeper give their thumbs up or down. I started the t-shirt over button down look you're starting to see. I even started the two-tie look you'll start seeing pretty soon. Shit, I even picked what college I wanted to go to back when I was in middle school half-way across the country.

Being single, at least to me, is the anti-thesis of being an early adopter.

In relationship terms, being an early adopter means you're doing one of two things, if not both: a) looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right or b) not running away from Mr. or Mrs. Right Now.

If you're looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, it doesn't have to mean you're trying to get married this month or even this year. It could simply mean you're trying to find someone you'd like to be in a serious, long-lasting relationship with and would be open to not dating another person ever again. I've only recently moved into this category.

On the other hand, if you're not running away from Mr. or Mrs. Right Now that means you're willing to give him or her the time to see if that "Now" is only temporary or if it will be a permanent imprint. This period of discovery can take anywhere from 3 dates to 3 years...past 3 years, I think you officially have to move into the other category or stop lying to yourself.

Now a single person would have you believe they're "figuring myself out" or "waiting for the right one", but that's a bunch of Oscar Mayer bologna. Or they're simply not early adopters.

For example, early adopters don't pretend to be a "finished work" of a person. Early adopters are willing to find Mr. or Mrs. Right while still in progress. Meanwhile, single people - people that primarily avoid relationships or do not fall into category a or b - are the latent types. The people that aren't convinced they need an iPod or cell phone.

Another example, while single people say they "can do whatever I want", early adopters find someone they can do whatever they want WITH. Or as I told a friend the other day, "single people are on the beach while everyone else is in the ocean learning to surf...yet those single people still expect to learn how to surf..."

Have you ever met an early adopter that you liked a lot? You know, someone that was really into you or really wanted to get to know you, but you kind of pushed them away for this or that reason (mostly because you weren't to find Mr. or Mrs. Right). Well, I'm pretty sure you have at some point or another and I have too. I've made my mistakes, I'm not perfect. But for the most part, I think I've given every early adopter a chance. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

So when I say I'm an early adopter it means I'm willing to give someone a try even if she doesn't have Mrs. Right all over her forehead. I'm willing to tell Mrs. Right Now that I'm wondering if she's Mrs. Right or not after a given period of time. I'm willing to be someone else's Mr. Right even though I'm still a "work in progress" and I'm damn sure willing to be Mr. Right Now while you look for Mr. Right...why, you ask? Because I fucking hate being single.

The sad part about my words is that I've chosen my current predicament. Look, I called it a "necessary evil" because you can't always be in a relationship. That said, I'm not saying my system is fail-proof. I'm not even saying my logic is on par with common sense. I'm simply saying I don't have it all figured out, but being single isn't going to help me "figure it out" any better.

Sorry for the length...to end the story I wanted to let you know I've decided to give this "being single" thing the ol' college try I never did. I'll probably be writing more "bitter blogs" in the weeks and months to come...

I'm Not Always in a Good Mood

Friends and Colleagues,

I think my blog has made a lasting impression on some of you because I try to be as honest and insightful as possible. I try my best to cut through the bullshit and get to the core Joah. I hope you don't mind.

That said, I'm not in the best mood right now and though I hesitate to be candid with you in this state of mind (or heart), I just need to get these words out so I can go to sleep. I even took one of those "ouch, my skin is burning!" showers to relax before I wrote this.

How do I start...? Fuck it...I'm just going to spit out these thoughts and be done with it.

1) Saying "we have different values" has officially replaced "it's not you, it's me" as the go-to breakup talking point...according to recent studies by Pew, Harris Interactive, a USA Today/Gallop poll, CNN, and Joah. 99.99% of said studies were performed by Joah.

2) Dating is like playing a two-player video game where either yourself or the other player is free to quit at any random moment and so you're trying to get to the highest level possible before the inevitable.

2a) Relationships are like one-player video games where it only takes one person to hit reset and whatdoyouknow...start over with a new game!

3) My day was shitty...the restaurant I wanted to eat at didn't start their lunch until 1 p.m. (who the hell isn't thinking about lunch at noon!?!)...Texas lost against a subpar Villanova basketball team ... continued...

3a) I went to a great concert by an awesome band by the name of The Dears (album in stores now titled, Gang of Losers, fittingly) sample lyrics:
"We, We got the same heart
We, We got the same heart
You and I are on the outside of all of this
You and I are on the other side of all of this"

3b) As I was rockin' out at the concert and singing along and dancing like Christopher Walken in that Fatboy Slim video, The Dears' lead singer shared the story of how he and his wife (one of the keyboardist) got together and then about how his bass player and the other keyboardist got married then paused to let a guy in the crowd propose to his now-future wife... salt on the wound...

4) I bought two tickets to said concert, I gave one away.

5) Concerts are rivaled only by amusement parks and movies as the most couple-friendly environments. And by couple-friendly, I mean my gag reflex is being activated every 2-5 minutes.

6) Thanks, but no thanks...(read #s 13 and 14)

7) Being single is a selfish way to be selfish if you really think about it.

8) We have it all figured out so much don't we?

9) FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

10) That last one was pretty insightful, wasn't it? So what, it was my favorite.

11) Diatribes by Joah has hit a new low. Or high...lol...you figure it out.

12) If Obama gets elected even with admitted cocaine use...guess what's on my agenda?

13) See for yourself. HA!

14) Trust me, #13 is over your head.

15) See #9, it's worthy of re-reading.

16) Listen to Keane's Hopes and Fears album track titled "Sunshine"...it's my current soundrack...on repeat.

17) If they made an extended ending to Garden State ... Zach Braff and Natalie Portman's characters would break up within a month.

18) You know that scene in I Heart Huckabees where the French lady tells Jason Schwartzman and Mark Wahlberg about the temporary calm then drama and the whole thing about the ball? Where the hell is my giant ball when I need something to hit myself in the head with.

19) If you were going to get hit by a car and there was no avoiding it, would you want to face the car or be turned backside? I'd face it. It still hurts like hell, but at least you can have closure before immediate impact.

20) It's all in your mind. (refer to #8)

I promise I'll blow your mind away in the next diatribe with some meaningful literature so thank you thank you for putting up with me and my (temporary) bitterness/melancholyness.

Sincerely,

Joah

P.S. How do you spell "suckatache" as in "suffering suckatache"?

Finding Real Role Models

On this day, recognizing the birth and life of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I thought I’d share some pages from another book I’ve recently started writing. The book, tentatively titled, The Untold and Overlooked: A Collection of African-American Success Stories and Life Lessons, captures thoughts, perspectives and memories of some of the most sound and accomplished African-American members of our country. Read below…

The Cosby Show, starring Bill Cosby and Phylicia Rashad as Cliff and Clair Huxtable, had a five-year run as America’s top sitcom during the second half the 1980s.  It was the first television show with an African-American cast to top the ratings.  Considering it certainly wasn’t among the first or funniest shows to depict African-Americans, e.g. The Jefferson’s and Sanford & Son, so maybe the Huxtables found their way into America’s non-black households for other reasons.

Ethnic and entertainment critics have theorized long and hard over the many reasons The Cosby Show became such a staple on American televisions, but the simple reality may have a lot to do with the jobs Cliff and Clair held, as a doctor and attorney, respectively.  In fact, by portraying its stars in such respectable and admirable professions, The Cosby Show set a trend for success for other shows starring African-Americans.  Family Matters featured Carl Winslow, a police officer; The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air welcomed Phillip Banks as a judge; and other shows like ER and NYPD Blue had African-American actors and actresses in roles as doctors, detectives and other public service-oriented jobs.

It seems television shows, especially during primetime hours, are only willing to show the lives and careers of African-Americans if they assured audiences that “these are good-natured, hard-working black people”.  Even hit movies in the ‘80s and ‘90s perpetuated these roles with Eddie Murphy’s Beverly Hills Cop character Alex Foley being a detective, the Will Smith/Martin Lawrence cop flick Bad Boys, and the classic Philadelphia featured Denzel Washington as an attorney.  Meanwhile, hit shows like Friends, Seinfeld, Sex and the City and Cheers depict their stars as jobless, creative (i.e. comedians, public relations gurus and writers) or otherwise employed-without-significance, e.g. Seinfeld’s George Costanza.

Similar to real life, characters like Costanza and Friends character Rachel Green, played by Jennifer Aniston, can be jobless or make bad career choices without widespread damage to their ethnicity.  On the other hand, both television shows and nightly news program regularly hold up African-Americans, both real and fictionalized, as representations of the entire race. High-speed car chases, post-game press conferences and music videos are just a few examples of places where African-Americans are identified as portrayals of a race encompassing more than 35 million people in this country.

Meanwhile, other “black people” movies and television shows of recent years, Brown Sugar, Waiting to Exhale, Love & Basketball, Love Jones and BET’s Girlfriends, which portray African-American as advertising executives, writers, music producers and photographers have had only mild success compared to their more formulaic television predecessors.  These professions, which require varying levels of creativity, education and talent, are held by real-life African-Americans all over the country.  Unfortunately, their stories are often overlooked and untold by mainstream media, especially network television shows and nightly news programs.

What does it say about America’s popular culture and the status of African-Americans in it if we are identified as cops or robbers, doctors or patients, judges or those to be imprisoned?  More importantly, what does this demonstrate to young African-Americans, our children, when they seldom see their elders in positions of leadership, success and opportunity outside of a few career fields hand-picked by studio executives and screen writers?

Michael Jordan and Deion Sanders, Will Smith and Dave Chappelle, Oprah Winfrey and Tyra Banks, Sean “Diddy” Combs and Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter.  These accomplished athletes, actors, comedians, talk-show hosts, and music moguls are far more likely to be idolized by African-American youths than the African-American men and women who lead the companies they purchase from, teach at the schools they attended or start the nonprofit organizations they donate to.

Must African-Americans choose between careers in entertainment and public service or lives in crime and prisons?  I do not believe so.  I have heard of and met several African-Americans whom have illustrious careers as political consultants, communications experts, university administrators, Fortune executives and journalists.  African-American youth, the children we must inspire and educate, need to know the stories of these individuals just as much as the oft-told “rags-to-riches” stories of the actors, athletes and characters they see on TV.

The Untold and Overlooked: A Collection of African-American Success Stories and Life Lessons is intended not only as a look into the various professions African-Americans can and have succeeded in, but also as a collection of introspective, insightful and inspiring tales of drive, hard work, luck, perseverance, and pride.

Included in these pages will be the untold stories of the real Huxtables and Winslow’s, that is to be certain we share the true-life examples of African-American doctors and police officers, along with those of people like basketball pioneer Karl Hicks, political mentor Bill Keyes, and other African-American leaders in this “land of opportunity”.  Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. envisioned a nation without inequality.  I envision a nation where we honor and embrace those overlooked contributors to Dr. King’s mission.
*Visit http://realrolemodel.blogspot.com to learn more about this book.

John McCain has a lot of Jack Bauer in him, doesn't he?

It’s Monday, Jan. 8, 2007, the start of the first full week of the 110th Congress. For the first time in a dozen years, Democrats have control of both chambers of Congress. Led by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid of Nevada and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California (congratulations to all women), Democrats aim to bolster stem cell research, raise the minimum wage to $7.25, address issues with the Medicare prescription drug program, improve ethics rules after numerous lobbying scandals under Republican majority and implement some of the 9/11 Commission’s homeland security measures.

You can also expect Democrats to do their best to make good on promises to tighten lobbying and ethics regulations and take a Anderson Cooper-esque look at large government contractors for possible fraud, waste and abuse of federal contracts resulting from the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina. Last, but not least, the President can expect a battle over his expected plan to temporarily boost troop levels in Iraq.

In the coming days, better known as the first 100 hours, the Democratic-led Congress will be active, energized and galvanized to enact change, repeal ill-advised Republican legislation of yesteryears, and show the American people they have what it takes to control both Congress and the White House in 2008.

However, regardless of how many bills become law in the next few days or two years, there is a simple thing Democrats can do to show Americans they can lead this country. They can start watching Fox on Monday nights at 8/7 central (that’s 5 p.m. for those in Pelosi’s neck of the woods) and they can take notes from a true American leader: Jack Bauer.

True, Jack Bauer (played by Kiefer Sutherland) is a fictional character, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s got all the qualities Democrats have struggled to find in Presidential candidates in the past two elections.

First of all, Jack Bauer is a military veteran. Jack Bauer, former Army special forces officer, was able to gain important access largely because his former commander was Senator-turned-President David Palmer. Jack Bauer, like Sen. John McCain, has put himself through an unimaginable amount of physical and emotional agony and danger to fulfill his duty to America. So while some may argue that McCain has partaken in some skeptical activities (i.e. Pat Robertson anyone?) in hopes of doing in 2008 what he couldn’t do in 2000, no one can question that he, like Bauer, has passed the ultimate test of national pride and honor that 99.99% of us will never have to take. Meanwhile, Democrats are still searching for someone to embody the values that Americans want in a Commander in Chief. The very values that launched Generals George Washington, Ulysses S. Grant and Dwight Eisenhower to the Oval Office following the American Revolution, Civil War and World War II. With McCain on the other side, Democrats will have to work extremely hard in the next two years to position themselves as politicians that know how to lead the military and I’m not sure Al Gore’s global warming documentary helped his cause if he seeks the nomination again.

Similarly, Jack Bauer is a patriot. He’s lost his wife to a terrorist. He’s lost touch with his daughter to protect her from terrorist. He’s lost several of his former Army mates and friends, including several co-stars from Seasons 1-through-5. Still, Jack Bauer never hesitates to put country before self, courage before safety. I doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that Republicans are more associated with military support and experience. No disrespect to newly-elected Democrat Sen. Jim Webb from Virginia, but Sen. McCain, a frontrunner for the Republican nomination in ’08 and five-and-a-half-year Vietnam POW, is without-a-doubt the most recognized military head in Washington. Only Colin Powell is in the arena and he’s a Republican too. So Democrats need to work on getting candidates, particularly a Presidential nominee, with some military standing. And even when the current President didn’t have half the military experience as his opponent, Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts, he was able to look “tougher”. General Wesley Clark, perhaps as a VP candidate, could bolster any of the lead Democrat contenders’ - namely, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards - military credentials. Or they could do what the current President wasn’t willing to do and offer Colin Powell all the power he wants as either Secretary of Defense or Secretary of State.

Lastly, Jack Bauer is decisive. Routinely, Jack Bauer has to choose between his personal life - and his relationships - and his country…America always wins. Just ask Bauer’s current love interest, Audrey Raines who Bauer nearly strangled in one episode for answers about her ex-husband who was linked to a terrorist organization. And do not mistake the importance of this quality because one could argue the last Presidential election came down to voters deciding between a decisive, albeit ill-advised hurried at times, executive and a wishy-washy, flip-flopping member of Congress. Americans, even if there is clear evidence that stubbornness isn’t far behind, love decisive leaders  just as Bauer never seems to struggle finding women willing to tolerate his high sense of duty to protect his country. At times of war, as we are now, Americans rely on executives who can sell a war just as well, if not better, than they can lead one. That said, Democrats have to demonstrate to voters that they can sell military action (not inaction) with a strong backbone. James Carville makes a living largely on providing, Democratic candidates more “backbone.” One can assume he and his consulting partner, Paul Begala, will be on Clinton’s team for this reason, among others.

This is by no means a “lay of the land” in terms of the 2008 Presidential election, but what you can take from this is an honest, albeit fictional character-based, assessment of what it’ll take for Democrats to continue their winning ways into the next election. Minimum wage increases are great, universal health care would be a dream, and ethics reforms are a must, but 24 and its star Jack Bauer may give Democrats a better handle on what it takes to take back the White House. If nothing else, I’d at least recommend Howard Dean backing away from the 50-state strategy for a little while over the next few months and focusing on a 24-based strategy that helps secure military, white male and rural voters…after all, those are the voters Democrats are after in 2008.

Want to learn more about 24? Watch the season premiere this Sunday at 8/7 c on Fox.

Movie Review 2006, Movie Preview 2007

The last couple of diatribes of '06 were a bit introspective and ambitious so I'm going to tone it down a bit to start out the year.

Last year, I gave you a movie preview featuring 50+ films of 2006.  Most of these films either ended up getting critical acclaim (The Departed and Blood Diamond) or blockbuster status (X-Men: The Last Stand and Casino Royale), while some underperformed (Miami Vice and Bobby).  Still, others ended up getting pushed off the 2006 schedule (Brazilian Job and Smokin’ Aces).  Before I get into 2007, I want to make sure you know my top ten films of ’06:

1) V for Vendetta: great casting, great dialogue, great visuals
2) Thank You for Smoking: great plot, good script, good casting
3) X-Men: The Last Stand: great visuals, good script, good casting
4) Pursuit of Happyness: great casting, great story, good direction
5) The Prestige: great plot, good casting
6) The Departed: decent plot, masterful acting, great direction
7) Blood Diamond: great casting, really good script, good topic
8) The Devil Wears Prada: surprisingly good casting, good storyline
9) Inside Man: great plot, great casting, good script
10) Casino Royale: great visuals, good casting, great Daniel Craig

Honorable Mention: United 93: amazing, heartfelt story, must-see, Déjà vu (classic Denzel), Last Kiss (I love Rachel Bilson and Zach Braff), Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (classic Will Ferrell)

Worst of the Year: Black Dahlia (terrible casting and story), Wicker Man (God-awful story and script), Miami Vice (poor casting of and acting by Colin Farrell), Poseidon (Josh Lucas and Kurt Russell … sounds like they couldn’t get the guys they really wanted)

This year, I’ve decided to slim the movie preview down and give you my top 25 flicks for the upcoming year.

Let’s get started with the upcoming years films…

I Am Legend, set to open in late 2007, pits Will Smith (Pursuit of Happyness) against a biological holocaust and mutated vampires.  Constantine and well-known music video director Francis Lawrence is at the helm.  Prediction: #1 movie when released, mild-to-favorable reviews.

Lions for Lambs stars Tom Cruise as a U.S. Senator overlooking a war in Afghanistan, while Meryl Streep plays a journalist.  Co-star Robert Redford, whose last film was The Legend of Bagger Vance, also returns to the director’s chair for this film, which may or may not fit in the 2007 schedule.  Prediction: #1 or #2 movie when released, rave reviews, Oscar buzz for stars, director.

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford set for an early spring release will showcase Brad Pitt as the legendary gang leader with Benjamin Bratt (Miss Congeniality), Casey Affleck (Ocean’s 11), Sam Rockwell (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) and Sam Shepherd (Black Hawk Down) rounding out the experienced cast.  Prediction: #1 movie when released, favorable reviews, potential Oscar buzz for Pitt.

Ocean’s 13 the likely final installment, slated for early summer, of the blockbuster series starring George Clooney, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt.  Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones are not slated to return, but the rest of the Ocean’s 12 cast should be on-board to welcome icon Al Pacino to director Steven Soderbergh’s (Traffic) set.  Prediction: #1 movie for two weeks, mostly favorable reviews, “Al Pacino is still a great actor” stories galore.

Bourne Ultimatum, the third and final edition of the popular Matt Damon series, is scheduled for a late summer release.  Will Jason Bourne discover the remaining secrets of his past?  Prediction: yes, #1 movie and $150 million+ gross, good reviews with writer Tony Gilroy returning.

Perfect Stranger will mark Halle Berry’s return after X-Men’s $300-million success.  She stars opposite Bruce Willis in a story of two people sparking an affairs over the Internet to solve her friend’s murder.  Fear director James Foley will be behind the lense for this spring release.  Prediction: #1 or #2 movie when released, decent-to-poor reviews, “isn’t this like Fatal Attraction” stories.

Live Free or Die Hard will see Bruce Willis as detective John McClane for the finale of this successful, three-decade-spanning series.  Justin Long (Accepted) and Jeffrey Wright (Casino Royale) co-star as Willis attempts to stop a Web-based terrorist organization from crippling the country.  See it this summer!  Prediction: #1 movie, “typical Die Hard-movie with big explosions and “yippeekayay”” reviews.

Charlie Wilson’s War re-teams Closer director and star Mike Nichols and Julia Roberts, along with Oscar -winners Phillip Seymour-Hoffman (Capote) and Tom Hanks in a “based on a true story” tale of former Texas Rep. Charlie Wilson (Hanks) and the CIA’s support of Afghanistan in a fight against the U.S.S.R.  Slated for December ’07 when Oscar votes start mattering.  Prediction: possible Oscar frontrunner status, #1 movie first week.

American Gangster will pit two of our generation’s best actors, Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe, with Cuba Gooding, Jr. and a hip-hop heavy cast featuring rappers Common, T.I. and Wu-Tang’s RZA.  Washington plays Frank Lucas, an  up-and-comer Harlem heroin dealer, who is the target of detective Richic Roberts’ (Crowe) investigation.  Prediction: expect plenty of moviegoers packing theatres to see the stars of this Ridley Scott (Gladiator) late ’07 release, sure to garner Oscar attention.

Spider-Man 3 may be Tobey Maquire’s final and darkest installment in the Venom(ous) role, but it’s sure to be a blockbuster as Topher Grace (That ‘70s Show), Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), James Cromwell (The Green Mile) and actress Bryce Dallas Howard (Lady in the Water) join returners James Franco and Kirsten Dunst.  Prediction: #1 movie for two or three weeks in May, $300-million+ gross, with great reviews.

Reign Over Me was called Empty City in the ’06 Movie Preview, but it was renamed and pushed back a few months, giving stars Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler more time to sell the film to holiday audiences.  Jada Pinkett Smith (Collateral) and Liv Tyler (Armageddon) co-star in this moving Mike Binder-directed (The Upside of Anger) film.  Prediction: #1 or #2 film when release in March, rave reviews.

Talk to Me features Don Cheadle as prominent Washington, D.C., radio host and community activist Ralph “Petey” Greene, who is battling to stay on the air during the Civil Rights Movement.  Cedric the Entertainer (Barber Shop), Mike Epps (Next Friday) and Terrence Howard (Hustle & Flow) co-star in the summer release.  Prediction: mild critical and box-office success with potential Oscar buzz for the underrated Cheadle.

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry will join comedians Adam Sandler, Kevin James (King of Queens) and Dan Akroyd (Blues Brothers) with Steve Buscemi (The Big Lebowski), Ving Rhames (Mission Impossible) and Jessica Biel (The Illusionist) as a crew of firefighters pretend to be gay to gain insurance benefits.  Prediction: this summer release will be #1 and get hilariously-good reviews for the flick directed by Dennis Dugan (Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore).

Rush Hour 3 will, finally, be release in the late summer with Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan set in Europe, where neither is familiar (unlike the L.A. or China settings).  Prediction: director Brett Ratner, fresh off of X-Men success will strike gold again with the fast-talking, action-packed flick.

Fred Claus is a comedy starring Vince Vaughn as Santa’s (played by Paul Giamatti (Sideways) black-sheep brother who returns to the North Pole after a long absence.  Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges (Crash), Rachel Weisz (The Constant Gardener) and Kevin Spacey (American Beauty) are a few of the notable cast members in this David Dobkin (Wedding Crashers) film scheduled for next November.  Prediction: hilarious-to-great reviews, box office hit.

Evan Almighty which follows the hit Bruce Almighty will star Steve Carell (40-Year-Old Virgin) as a Congressman called upon by God (played ever-so-gracefully by Morgan Freeman) to build an ark.  Tom Shadyac returns to direct.  Prediction: #1 comedy of the year with rave reviews for the early summer release.

The Number 23 will have us watching Jim Carrey starring as a haunted and deranged man who finds a book stemming from his own life (no, it’s not a comedy like Stranger than Fiction).  Joel Shumacher (Batman Forever) takes the director’s seat for this early ’07 film.  Prediction: mild-to-good reviews, decent-to-underperforming box office.

The Other Boleyn will give America’s moviegoers what they’ve been expecting for a short while, a pitting of both Natalie Portman (V for Vendetta) and Scarlett Johansson (Lost in Translation) in the same film.  The two young actresses will play Anna and Mary Boleyn, two sisters competing over King Henry VIII’s, played by Eric Bana (Munich), affection.  Prediction: rave reviews for the cast, notsomuch the film, decent-to-surprising box office for this late late ’07 release (may not come out if it doesn’t garner the right amount of Oscar buzz).

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, according to insiders, is a cross between Willy Wonka and Big.  Natalie Portman finds herself in care of a toy store with a recently-passed owner, Dustin Hoffman.  Prediction: so-so to rave reviews, mild-to-decent box office, gives Portman more range for future roles.

The Tourist brings Hugh Jackman (The Prestige) and Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge) together in a thriller about an accountant (McGregor) being introduced to a sex club by his lawyer friend (Jackman) only to get in the middle of an investigation of a woman’s disappearance and a multi-million dollar theft.  Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain) and Maggie Q (Mission Impossible 3) co-star.  Prediction: surprisingly strong reviews, good-to-surprising box office opening … not sure when it comes out, likely in the fall of ’07.

The Invasion joins Brit Daniel Craig (Casino Royale) and Aussie Nicole Kidman in this remake about an alien pod arriving in a small town and infiltrating people’s bodies until Kidman can uncover it.  Prediction: mild reviews, disappointing box office in the fall of ‘07.  FYI: Both Craig and Kidman are voices in the upcoming computer-generated flick The Golden Compass as well.

The Golden Age will take a dive into the relationship of Queen Elizabeth I, played by Babel’s Cate Blanchett, and Sir Walter Raleigh, played by Clive Owen (Closer).  Pakistan director Shekhar Kapur, who also helmed Elizabeth, re-teams with Blanchett for this fall release which may garner Blanchett the Oscar which alluded her after her earlier portrayal of the Queen.  Prediction: Oscar win for Blanchett, rave reviews, strong box office for an “artsy” flick.  Fall release.

Shooter may be my favorite film on premise alone.  It stars Mark Wahlberg (Italian Job) as a sniper who comes out of retirement to kill an assassin.  Danny Glover and Michael Pena (Crash) co-star in this Antoine Fuqua (Training Day) picture based on Washington Post movie critic Stephen Hunter’s novel.  Prediction: rave reviews, strong box office, potential #1.  Early spring release.

Battle in Seattle stars Oscar-winner Charlize Theron (Monster) with co-stars Ray Liotta (Blow), Andre “3000” Benjamin (Idlewild) and Woody Harrelson (Natural Born Killers).  Set in Seattle in 1999 when World Trade Organization protesters nearly caused widespread chaos and riot.  Prediction: underperforms with critics and at the box office.

Be Kind Rewind stars two of my favorite actors, Mos Def (16 Blocks) and Jack Black (King Kong), in a comedy about Black’s accidental erasing of videos in a Danny Glover-owned video store where his buddy Mos Def works.  They decide to re-shoot the movies instead of paying to replace them.  Director Michael Condry (Dave Chappelle’s Block Party, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) is at the helm.  Prediction: good-to-hilarious review, more acting respect for Mos Def, surprisingly strong box office.

*I wrote this before seeing other noteworthy '06 films such as Babel and Little Miss Sunshine. My apologies.